One Salty Kiss

Having The Confidence To Just Be

Getting Real
Getting Real
Getting Real

I am going to get real for a moment. A little bit vulnerable.

You may or may not have noticed, I haven’t posted in a while. Nothing. Nada. Haven’t even written a word.

In all honesty, I surfed 5 out of the last 6 days. Something I rarely do anymore since I’ve started writing and blogging. Until now, I have maintained a balance between surfing and writing. A balance I enjoyed.

Not this week.

I have been avoiding my computer and the myriad of journals and notebooks that litter my desk where I capture my incessant reflections and ideas.

I am a morning person. My best writing is done in the morning and this week, I chose surfing over writing. Even when I would come home from the beach, I would sit at my computer and do everything BUT write. I worked on the back-end of the blog. I altered my social media platforms. I updated my calendar. But, I stayed far away from that blank page.

It has started to scare me a little that I haven’t wanted to write. My motivation is waning. I am fearful I will sit to write and have nothing to say.

I glimpse a slight emptiness inside. I am not sure if it is my mind that is empty of thoughts or my heart that is empty of desire.

I have been swept away by the downward spiral of negativity. Helplessly circling the drain.

I am at mercy to my own self deprecating thoughts; my own worst enemy.

When this happens, I lack the armor to withstand the grenades of those around me.

I feel vulnerable and unconsciously absorb the vibrations of doubt and uncertainty.

For some reason, this week was a challenge to stay in positivity and brightness.

I am mostly an upbeat person I would say, but I am struggling.

Struggling with not taking on the feelings of others. To not let their “stuff” become my own. To not let their actions change the way I feel inside.

To simply feel the confidence to just be; be who I am. To not second guess my truth.

Struggling to remember that I am not perfect; far from it. But I am perfectly me. I am perfect just the way I am.

Struggling to just be okay not being okay.

I read a post recently by my bloggy friend Rosemond. It was what she wished she could have told her 15-year-old self. It made me misty-eyed thinking of all the 15 year olds who desperately need to hear this. And then I realized, there are 15 year olds, 27 year olds, 32 year olds and 46 year olds that still need to hear this sometimes.

“You are not weak. You are not a disappointment. You are light itself.”

I am going to use Rosemond’s words when I start feeling myself headed for the downward spiral.

I am light itself.

And these words . . . gave me the desire to sit in front of that blank computer screen . . . not knowing what I was going to say, and just write.

Salty Real Kisses,

Karen

[Tweet “Feel the confidence to just be”]

 

 

Karen Shatafian

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21 responses to “Having The Confidence To Just Be”

  2. Dear Karen, I just want to say something I should have said sooner. You are a fantastic writer! I read your blogs and they are always filled with passion and deep insight. You are being heard even if someone isn’t always giving feedback. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are great and it’s Ok to not have something to say all the time. But even the last thing you wrote was inspirational because sometimes it’s easy to get negative but you should always strive to work through it. Just know, even if I don’t say much that I look forward to reading everything you write.

    • Dallis-you are so sweet! I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. I just needed to think out loud, on paper, and get out of my head,to shake myself loose from the self doubt. Who knows? Maybe it’s hormones! 😉 Thank you for taking the time to comment and for continuing to be a fan! xo

  4. I have this friend, who I’ve known since high school, and yet this year I feel as if I’ve seen a whole new dimension to her. I’ve watched her struggle and wiggle and push and pull at ideas for the past couple of years. those ideas of “who am I?” “what do i want” “do I really still want this?” “is this enough” ” how will I know”- you know, small questions that feel very weighty. sometimes, she remembers that she is light and let’s it all come pouring out of her- and it’s beautiful and insightful and vulnerable and brave. and sometimes, she forgets about that cycle that sucks you dry and makes you doubt.
    some days are cloudy, but the light is still there. so my sweet, juicy friend I’m glad to hear you went back to the ocean and reconnected with your mermaid self. you know mermaids swim deeply into the darkness of the water and yet they always know how to find the light again. how to rise to the brightness. how to be reborn in the newness of spring as they let go of the darkness of winter.
    surf or write; surf then write; whatever works for you.

  5. Every atom in your body, every bit of what you are, found its beginning in the core of a star. You are most certainly light itself, a cosmic sister to the rest of us.

    If the morning temps here on the Plains were better, I’d be running daily, and possibly writing less. Do what you want to do, and chances are you will find yourself back at the black page soon enough.

    Heck, if I were out there, I’d be surfing too.

    • Aw thank you Rob. That is so beautiful. I love the idea of being a “cosmic sister.” It helps hearing encouragement from someone who knows; knows what it’s like to look at a computer screen with so much enthusiasm your fingers can’t type fast enough. And conversely, someone who knows the sometimes daunting task of staring at emptiness, waiting for something to show itself. As always, thank you for your support!

  6. Just found your blog on the Photo Challenge. Then found this piece. From the heart. Been there. You seem to have a positive outlook…and…things can sometimes seem too much. But you know, they never are too much. And one thing isn’t better than another–you write or you surf. Why judge yourself? Sometimes you need to surf and not write. How long is that board?

    • I really appreciate your comments badfish. And you taking the time to visit and poke around my blog. You are so right. Things seem like too much sometimes but really never are. I struggle with not judging myself. Most times I do a good job just “being” but sometimes I don’t. Thank you so much for stoping by and taking time to comment – it means a lot!

  7. having the courage to write and write honestly when things are not “perfect” is a brave and generous gift to yourself…and your readers. Thanks for getting back on the horse – it’s blogs like yours that help keep me going. 5 days of surfing? I’m impressed! I am personally logging my 9th day in pajamas

    • You always make me laugh! Thank you for that Eva. I so appreciate your comments. i was hoping readers could relate and I didn’t just some across as a whiney baby! It just really rattled me because this is the first time in a long time I haven’t wanted to write. Thank you so much for being along for the ride. Cheers!

  8. Karen, so humbled and pleased that my post helped you over a rough patch. You have inspired me so many times with your honesty and your bravery in sharing yourself (not to mention hurling yourself into the Pacific!) Thank you for keeping it real. You ARE light.

  9. I think you have found a voice hiding somewhere behind the back end of your programming duties. “To simply feel the confidence to just be; be who I am. To not second guess my truth.”