An Interview With Barbie: A horse lover and amazing mom of four who had to learn to let go of the guilt and give herself permission to do what she loves.
K.S.: Let me tell you a bit about why I wanted to interview you. This topic is very personal for me. I have happily been a stay home mom for 16 years. However, I have only recently given myself permission to pursue my passions. I felt for a long time that my family’s needs should come first. Since my kids are almost adults now, my “job” is in transition. I am trying to fill the void I feel as they grow up and need me “less.” What has surprised me is that at first, I didn’t even know what to fill the void with. If I’m not a busy mom . . . what am I? I started this blog to explore how I, as well as others, bring joy into our lives, how we explore our purpose and passions, and how we are chasing our dreams. I am finding that after being a SAHM for so long, and focusing on my family’s needs, while trying to fulfill my desire to be a good mom, I lost sight of what my own dreams were. I needed to discover, outside of having a healthy, happy family, what is my heart’s desire?
I wanted to talk to you because I admire you as a woman and as a mom and I am curious how others are navigating this time in their lives. My goal is for this to be a regular piece on the blog and see if there are any common threads. I feel it will inspire me as I traverse this time in my life and I hope that it will encourage others as well.
What do you feel like your passions are? Have you always known this?
Horses. I love being with them, riding them, caring for them, listening to them breathe. From the time I was 6 and got my first, fuzzy little Shetland pony for Christmas I knew….
Have you always been able to focus on this throughout your life? If so, how? If not, why not?
For most of my life, yes. I was very fortunate as a child to own my own horses and have supportive parents who allowed and financed my riding. I brought my horse to college and continued riding in one way or another until my first son was born, which is when I felt I just couldn’t take the time any longer to continue riding. It was frustrating to me at times but I also realized that it was just the season of my life to put horses on hold.
What do you feel like your purpose is? Do your passions correlate with this?
I think my purpose in life is to be a present and involved mom to my four kids. Sometimes it seemed that my purpose and my passion were in opposition to one another. Recently, I have become better about letting go of certain things in order to do what I love to do. I found that I spent a lot of time doing the “busy work” of the house. The dishes, the laundry, and the picking up seemed to take me all day so I didn’t make time to get out on a horse. Now, I have decided that it is okay to stack the dishes, leave the laundry in a pile for later, and pick up all at once at the end of the day. My house is actually no better or worse than it used to be! That surprised me!
Have you been a stay home or working mom? How do you think this has affected your ability to follow your passions?
I have always been a stay at home mom. I was a teacher before my kids were born, so when they were very little I would substitute teach for longer term assignments and I loved that. When they got older, I started home schooling them and that actually was a great way for me to be with my kids and yet still do what I loved to do. The downside to home schooling is that it did require that I put my horseback riding on the back burner for several years. I did, however, find that there were a few years in there where things just worked out for me to ride. For example, I met a woman one day in the doctor’s office where she was waiting to have the doctor look at her broken foot. She was wearing riding clothes so I struck up a conversation with her. It was obvious to me that her horse stepped on her foot! We talked about riding and I mentioned that I had two little boys and that had prevented me from riding regularly for several years. When she left the office, she gave me her number and told me that if I ever found time that I could ride, to give her a call. The next day, I got up with my boys and we cuddled on the couch watching Blues Clues while they ate their Cheerios and drank milk from sippy cups. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I had a way to ride in the mornings. I called the woman, and for more than a year, I would drive to the barn at 7am when my kids woke up still in their cuddly footsie jammies. We had a pop top van with a full-sized TV and a VCR player in it. The barn was empty at that time so I could drive the van literally only several feet from the hitching post and the outdoor arena. My kids would sit and watch one movie. That gave me a little more than an hour to ride in the arena and we would be home by about 8:30 am. It was awesome. It just took some creativity!
K.S. This is such a great story. Two things strike me. First, I am totally convinced, God puts people in our paths all the time that we need and that will lead us to our heart’s desires. Unfortunately, we don’t always recognize this. In this instance, you recognized that she could help you do something you loved and get some valued “me” time. Also, it takes courage for us to reach out to the people or circumstances that God puts in our path to get us closer to our heart’s desires. It definitely took courage for you to take this woman up on her offer. I am so glad you did!
How have you been able to find time for yourself while raising kids? Do you allow yourself ‘me’ time? If so, what do you do with your ‘me’ time? If not, why do you think this is?
‘Me time’ is hard. I don’t think that as a mom anyone ever really has total ‘me time.’ I might have a segment of time in my day or week that I don’t have my kids around, but their needs are always in the back of my mind. I have gotten better lately about not feeling guilty when I do things completely on my own because it gives me a way to rejuvenate and refresh. My kids need me to do that!
K.S. I agree 100%. It is hard for moms to take time for themselves because they think they are not being a “good” mom if they do; as if they are being selfish. The truth is, when a mom is able to take time for herself, she will actually be a better mom.
Generally, are you happy? Why or why not?
I would say that yes, generally I am very happy, but I have not always been. Funny how things work out. Now that I have found the time and ability to do some things I like to do, I am happier!
[Tweet “Now that I have found the time and ability to do some things I like to do, I am happier! “]
For several years I did not give myself permission to do what I wanted to do and I found that I was frustrated more easily and more often.
K.S. You are definitely not alone in this. It is so sad to me when moms deny themselves joy out of guilt. The reality is, when moms are happy, they are better moms.
Talk to me about guilt.
Ahhh, guilt. I have plenty of it and I honestly don’t know why. My husband has always been tremendously supportive of me and definitely takes on his share of the parenting. I spent a ridiculous amount of time when my kids were small, feeling guilty about him being at work all day while I took our little boys to the zoo, the beach, or a park playdate. I felt like I had to down play our relaxation or our fun. This feeling was completely created by me. I believed in my heart for some reason that I had to not fully enjoy that season of my parenting because of GUILT that my husband was working so darn hard. It amazes me now when I look back that I wasted all those years of living fully. My husband did not for one minute make me feel that way. It was all my own creation of guilt. If I could go back again, I would take more time to just relish and savor those years of early parenting. I would spend more time in the sand, at the park, and at the zoo.
K.S. Yes! Yes! We women are so good at choosing guilt over joy. It’s just crazy to me. Luckily, as we get older, we see how silly this is. My goal is to pass this message on to young moms and hopefully save them the heartache.
How has your time for yourself and your outlook about your passions, your purpose, and your dreams changed as you got older? As your kids got older?
It just gets different as kids get older. They need you in a different way. But because I have big kids (ages 18 and 16), and little kids (ages 10 and 8), it has been more about changing my outlook. I have more clarity as I have gotten older. I realize now that it is important to participate in my kids’ lives but also have time for myself.
[Tweet “I realize now that it is important to participate in my kids’ lives but, also have time for myself.”]
That they need to see me as a human being outside of just being a mommy. I want them to have the expectation that they, when they become mommies, can enjoy their lives fully, and that my boys, when they become husbands, should encourage their wives to follow their passions and dreams as well.
K.S. I just love this. I love that you feel it is important to model this for your kids. I totally agree.
What are your dreams?
Sometimes my dreams are just purely about survival. Surviving the little kid years where they need mommy so much. Surviving the teen years where they need mommy so much but they hate that they do. Surviving the busyness that keeps me from enjoying the activities that make me busy. But my real, honest to God in my heart dream, is to move onto a property where I can just ride. I want to create a haven for my family to visit and love, for friends to come and relax and enjoy just… being.
K.S. This gives me chills. I can totally see you doing that. Providing a place for your two greatest loves . . . your family and your horses.
How difficult is it, if at all, to go after your dreams?
It is difficult because my dream would require a complete life change and it is more than just my life that would change. Having a family means there are more people to think about. I might be ready, but are they? It also requires a tremendous amount of faith. I believe that God will reveal to me someday if my dream is also His desire. If those things come together, I will have to believe that the time is right for my family to move.
K.S. That is tricky for parents. There are more people to take into consideration with major life changes. I struggle with this because I feel like life is so short. But, my ultimate goal and purpose is to get my kids happily launched. Then I can charge hard after my dreams!
What do you want to be when you grow up? 😉
Some days I would say that I want to be a lady of leisure, and truthfully there is a part of me that would like to be relieved of the responsibilities I have. But in my heart, what I really want, is to be one of those old ladies with hay in her hair, mucking boots on, who always seems to be “just coming in from the barn.” I want to have children around me learning and loving the horses and animals. I would love to someday create a retreat type haven for families to come enjoy time together while they learn to connect to God through His creation of animals.
K.S. Oh goodness Barbie! This is so lovely and so in line with who you are. I love the image this conjures up for me.
If you could go back and do anything differently, would you?
I would just let go of my guilt. There was no reason for it.
What would you say to young mothers about following their own passions?
Make sure that “later” comes eventually. I truly believe that it is okay to put your dreams and passions on hold for a little while during the young mother years. Just don’t let those dreams completely die. The season of your life when you have little ones is supposed to be filled with those little ones. It is okay! It will be over someday and your life will NOT be over if you pursue your passions a little later. Give yourself permission to just slow down and enjoy where you are in your life NOW.
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Anything else you’d like to add?
I have to laugh a bit about the timing of your request for me to answer these questions. My 16-year-old had become quite ill with a terrible sinus infection, my older daughter had 2 horse shows, my younger daughter had a doctor visit to schedule her fourth surgery, then older daughter needed fitting on her prosthetic foot because she broke it in half, then younger daughter needed to go back to the same prosthetist because her pin system broke in her prosthetic leg, then we got lice. Yes, just what we needed. LICE. Oh my word. So I giggled my way through the questions at first. Then cried a little.
Being a mom is hard. It is a balance that I place carefully on my heart each morning. I have four kids going in four directions simultaneously and often there is little to no room for any thought of myself. Basic housekeeping, doctor scheduling, errand running, and home schooling keep me hopping. But then, I hop on a horse. And I ride up the mountain that I can see from my house. And all those things fade for just a little while. Life is good. Thank you for causing me to think, reflect, and realize that.
K.S. This is simply beautiful. It is so poignant and true. Being a mom is hard and on top of it all, a lot of the pressure is self-induced. This just illuminates so perfectly why it is extremely important to not lose touch with ourselves in the midst of it all.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us!