Lessons on Living:

What happens when you receive a terminal cancer diagnosis from your doctor that feels like a swift and fierce punch to the gut? What do you do when you hear a medical professional reduce your life to a number? How do you go on, living your life to the fullest, while you’re trying to navigate chemo treatments and hospital visits?

How do you not lose sleep at night, worrying that your wife will bury herself in grief, never to emerge. Worrying and wondering how you can possibly teach your kids all they need to know about life in such a short time?

One of my friends unfortunately, knows from experience.

My friend Bill is living a nightmare. He has received the news no one wants to hear. Bill has stage 4 colon cancer.

I have known Bill for close to 15 years. We met on the t-ball field and elementary school campus of our children many years ago, although it feels like yesterday. He and his wife, along with my husband and me, have been friends ever since.

After a quick and shocking cancer diagnosis last September, Bill was told he had 29 months to live. Which then, in November, was shortened to just 16 months.

What the fuck do you do with information like that? When you are a vibrant, healthy, active man in your 50s with a family and a beautiful life, what do you do with that? How do you process and make sense of that?

I don’t know what I’d do. I fear my instinct would be to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Well, let me tell you what Bill does. He takes that goddamn cancer diagnosis and stares it in the face and says, “F*ck you!” He says, “Hell No!”  He says, “Not on your terms, but mine.”

Bill is an inspiration. The way he lives his life, honest and upfront, all the while making the best of every single moment he feels well enough and has the strength to do so.

Bill has always lived his life this way. He has always been a person after my own heart, with his philosophy of living life to the fullest, RIGHT NOW.

I met with him last week for two hours. And over a latte and a hot tea, we talked about his life, his diagnosis, how he’s coping, and how we can spread the message that life is just too short to spend NOT living each day to the fullest.

[Tweet “Life is just too short to spend NOT living each day to the fullest.”]

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Here’s the thing about Bill. While talking about his circumstance, his shitty, shitty circumstance, he also talked about how important it is for people to live; to really live. He wants people, he wants you, to benefit from his situation. He wants people to live their best life now, while they can. He is the poster child for living each day as large as possible.

He wants you to know, now is the time to do whatever it is you want to do. There is no reason to wait.

Bill was a fit and healthy guy before cancer. He worked out regularly, made time for the sports he loves like skiing, golfing, and surfing. He has a wide circle of friendships. He has a beautiful family. Life was SO good! He seemed untouchable, as do we all. We never think it will happen to us. But really, we are all just one doctor visit, one car ride, one phone call from our knees.

Life’s challenges are something that happen whether we are ready or not. Our life can turn on a dime. We are all one detail away from a nightmare. We just don’t know what that detail will be, or when it will come.

I know that sounds melodramatic and dark, but really, no one knows what tomorrow brings.

And here’s the thing, if tomorrow were to bring something painful and challenging, don’t you want to have spent the days leading up to it, living life to the fullest? Doing things you love and being with people you adore?

I’m thinking yes!

Here are a few lessons we can all take away from Bill’s experience on how to live. Not only how to live with a cancer diagnosis, but how to really live, now, in this very moment.

Lesson 1:  If you’re over 50, go get your colonoscopy.

Karen: Bill, you inspire me so much with how honest you are about your cancer. I appreciate how you’ve been so up front about what you’re going through. Telling everyone exactly what is happening.

Bill: Well, I don’t know if it’s the right thing or the wrong thing, but I want people to know what I’m going through.

Also, I want people to be aware of colon cancer. I had a colonoscopy when I was 50 and they said to wait again until I was 60. Had I had one when I was 55, they may have caught it and I might not be in this situation right now. I just want people to know.

I haven’t figured any downside to telling people what’s happening with me.

I tell people, if you’re over 50, go get your colonoscopy, you don’t want to end up like me. I just want to get that message out there.

Lesson 2: Don’t take life for granted. You might not live to be 80!

Karen: What really strikes me, in your honesty about your diagnosis, is the underlying message you preach about living your life. You basically say, go live your life now! Don’t wait!

Bill: Yeah, don’t go thinking you’re going to live to be 80. This is going to sound kind of conceited, but I am one of the healthiest people I know. Compared to most people in general, except for the cancer, I’m pretty healthy. So I mean, how the hell did this hit me? I look at friends who are 60 pounds overweight and people I know that have been smoking for years, and I’m the one with cancer? Whats wrong with that picture?

Karen: Doesn’t make any sense.

I think also, that you putting it out there, in being so honest about it, you make it easy for people around you, people who love you, to talk about it. The fact that you’re so open, it’s like you’re giving us a gift.

Bill: I knew a guy at work who passed away from prostate cancer after about 3 years and no one ever talked to him about it. No one knew how he was doing. I think it’s good to open it up so people can talk to me about it.

Lesson 3: It is what it is. You just have to ask yourself, “Now what are you going to do about it?”

Bill: When my first doctor said there is no cure for colon cancer in the liver, I went to four different oncologists to get another opinion. But, they all said the same thing. They said all they could do is give me chemo and try to extend my life. At first they said I had 29 months, then with my latest cat scan they said probably 16 months. And I thought, “Well, that’s not good. I’d like to see the numbers go the other way.”

Karen: That is devastating. What do you go through when you hear that? I mean, what is your mental and emotional process through that?

Bill: I was pretty bummed out when he told me that. I was especially bummed when they told me for the first time, that when cancer gets to the liver, there is no cure. They told me I should get my things in order because I don’t have much time. So, that was the devastating part.

Then at the end of November when they shortened my time from 29 months to 16 months, that one was rough. I went in there all positive, thinking the news would be good. It took me like 2 days to recover from that news. I thought, “Are you kiddin’ me? I mean like, Damn!” (chuckles).

When it first happens you just can’t believe it. Then you go to, “why me?” And you want to know what caused it. And you realize you can never know. You know, I can be mad, but it doesn’t change anything. It is what it is. You just have to ask yourself, “Now what are you going to do about it?” So, I do the chemo, I enjoy the fun days and try to knock off some bucket list items. I try to figure out how to do things and work them around my health and how the chemo makes me feel.

[Tweet “It is what it is. You just have to ask yourself, “Now what are you going to do about it?”]

Lesson 4:  Be positive. Because what’s the alternative?

Bill: I told my daughter I’d take her to Europe for graduation. Well, that’s in June and I’m just not sure. So, I’m thinking of moving it up to spring break.

Karen: I think that’s a great idea.

Bill: I want to try to get some good stuff in.

Karen: Honestly, I still can’t even believe I’m having this conversation with you. I can’t believe that you’re telling me all these things you have to do before . . .

Bill: Well, I have no choice.

Karen: I understand . . . but you’re just so . . . How are you so . . .  positive?

Bill: I just have to be, right?

Karen: Right . . . I guess . . . right. Because, whats the alternative?

Bill: I could drag around the house and make everybody miserable and tell them how pissed off I am. But, that’s no good.

Karen: I think a lot of people do that. I think you’re special.

Bill: Yeah, I think a lot of people don’t want to talk about it. They just sit home and are pissed off about it.

During my treatment, I get eight shitty days and 6 good days, so I feel bad more than I feel good. It’s not a really good trade-off when I’m trying to get things done. Fun stuff plus I have a list of things I need to do. Things I need to get in order. Like with our cars and my living trust and things, and all the stuff financially. But, with my chemo brain, I only have like an hour a day of concentration. It’s tough to figure out how I’m going to do all this stuff and have it set up for when I’m not here.

Karen: I just can’t imagine, Bill.

[Tweet “Be positive. Because what’s the alternative?”]

Lesson 5: Don’t get so caught up in the day-to-day.

Bill: You know, something else I think is important, in general, not just talking about me here, but everyone. I think people get too caught up in the day-to-day. They don’t take that family trip to Aspen. They put off stuff like that because of daily life. They don’t take that trip to Jackson Hole or to Cancun because of day-to-day stuff.

Sure, building up money in our bank and our 401ks is important, but how and when are we going to spend it? Let’s spend some money now so we can enjoy now. Let’s not wait.

The last 10 years I’ve been begging my parents to go on a real vacation. Go on an African safari. Go to China. Go to Europe. They have the money. Go! Go! Go! Go see the world! Go enjoy life. You worked all these years-go enjoy it!

I think sometimes they just don’t want to spend the money.

Karen: I believe that is a generational thing with our parents and grandparents. I also think sometimes people feel guilty. Like they don’t deserve to have fun or take trips because it’s frivolous. When really, it’s living!

[Tweet “Building up money in our 401ks is important, but let’s enjoy now. Let’s not wait.”]

Lesson 6: Get out of that mindset that you’ll do it later. Get into the mindset of, “Enjoy now!”

Bill: People also think there’s plenty of time. They get stuck thinking, “We’ll do it later.”

We need to get people out of that mindset and get them into the mindset of, “enjoy now!” Because you might not have time later. I look at all these people I know who have different ailments and medical problems. I expected that when we were in our 70s, but in our 40s and 50s? I just didn’t expect us to have health problems already.

Karen: These are wake up call for all of us.

Bill: You just don’t want to get stuck saying, “I’ll do it next year. I”ll do it next year.” Then 5 years go by and you still havent done what you want to do.

[Tweet “People need to get out of the “we’ll do it later” mindset and into one of “enjoy now!”]

Lesson 7:  Take care of yourself.

Bill: I think also if people don’t take care of themselves in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, then it makes their 60s and 70s less enjoyable. They aren’t physically able to do a lot of things they might want to do because they aren’t healthy.

Lesson 8: Get out of your box.

Karen: It’s a mindset too. I used to be more apprehensive about trying new things and living outside of my box when I was younger. I always wanted to do the “right” thing. Then at 35 I started surfing. I swear this changed my life. Once I got out of my comfort zone and saw I could take risks, like getting worked over by big waves, or whatever, it made me more brave. More confident. It made me want to try more things outside of my comfort zone.

Bill: Like those bigger days surfing, where you get held under and don’t know which way is up and you think for a moment, “I might die.” Yeah, that gives you courage and confidence.

Karen: I think getting older helps too. Once I hit my 40s I really didn’t care what anyone else thought. I started doing what I wanted, not worrying about judgment from others. I started taking classes that interest me, like recently I signed up for this Flamenco dance class. Talk about humbling and humiliating. But, I’m just at a point in my life where I don’t care about being embarrassed anymore. I don’t care about people saying, “Why are you doing that?” I just do it. But, I definitely haven’t always been that way.

Lesson 9: You can learn how to get out of your comfort zone.

Bill: I think there are some people who are born just more naturally able to get out of their box.  I also think, from what you’re saying, getting out of your comfort zone could be a learned behavior as well.

Karen: Oh, for me it definitely is. That’s why I want my readers to know, it’s never too late to be brave; to live your life to the fullest.

[Tweet “It’s never too late to be brave.”]

Have you always had this kind of “charge life” attitude? Or did it come with the cancer diagnosis?

Bill: In college I rode my bike with a buddy from Stanford home to Southern California. Then the next summer I rode my bike alone, from Canada back down to Southern California. That gave me some confidence; 42 nights of sleeping outdoors by myself basically. Then when I graduated college, the market was soft in my industry, so I decided to spend the rest of my student loan money and travel through Europe for 3 1/2 months by myself.  That was pretty gutsy at the time.

Karen: For sure. So yes, it sounds like you’ve always had a live life to the fullest approach to life.

Bill: It was better than sitting around at home listening to my parents. Haha

I think people can have a courageous attitude from the beginning, but I also think it can be learned. People just have to keep doing things outside of their box; outside their normal thinking and then get some comfort around, “Hey, I can do these things.”

I learned to surf when I was a young, but stopped when I went to college. Then, I picked it up again when I was 48. When I tried it again for the first time, I didn’t care if I looked stupid or whatever. I didn’t care, I just wanted to do it. When I told people I took up surfing again at 48, it was like the scariest thing to some people. They didn’t get it.

Karen: I think if there’s something that interests or even scares us a little, we need to just make a decision to do it. Whatever it is. You can never let your fear win.

Bill: Yes, because then you don’t experience anything. You sit at home and do the same thing over and over. People need to be encouraged to get out of their box and try new things.

Karen: It is different for everyone, too. For one person, it may mean taking a crochet class and for someone else it might mean skydiving. The important thing is they are trying new things and constantly learning.

Because the more you do the more you find you can do.

[Tweet “You can never let your fear win.”]

Lesson 10: It could be worse. 

Bill: So, there’s this ski lift at Mammoth; Chair 23. There’s nothing holding you in that thing. When I’m in the middle, I put my arm around the back to hold on so I don’t fall out. I was riding up the lift one time with some friends and the guy next to me got a phone call that his brother-in-law, a younger guy, died unexpectedly.

The way I see it, at least I have time to plan some stuff. To get some fun in. To make memories with my kids. As opposed to the guy who dies suddenly of a heart attack.

It could be worse.

Karen: Well, that’s the trade-off I guess. Your diagnosis is shitty, but at least it gives you time.

Bill: It could be a lot worse. Like gang violence or something. 🙂

Karen: Your approach to this whole thing inspires me so much, honestly.

Bill: Uh Oh, (smiles.)

Karen: I think what you’re doing right now, whether you live for 5 years of 500 years, is leaving an incredible legacy for the people around you.

Lesson 11: Get out and enjoy your life NOW.

Bill: Well, we’ll see. But, how do we influence people NOW to get out and enjoy their lives while they can? That’s a big deal.

Karen: It is a big deal. You can’t force somebody to make that first decision to get out of their box.  You can’t convince someone they deserve to live a bigger life. After the first time it gets easier, but we can’t make someone do it if they’re cemented in their comfort zone.

Lesson 12: Don’t wake up at 70 and wonder, “What did I do with my life?”

Bill: Yeah, you don’t want the years to go by and then wake up and you’re 70 and wonder, “What did I do with my life?”

[Tweet “Don’t wake up at 70 and wonder, “What did I do with my life?”]

Bill: You know, I watch these ski movies by Warren Miller. He puts out movies at the beginning of ski season to get everyone fired up. He always says, “Don’t put off that ski trip you’ve been wanting to do. Do it now because next year you’ll be one year older. Right now you’re a year healthier and a year more brave,” and it’s true. Next year you won’t be as strong, physically or mentally, as you are right now.

Karen: That’s a good philosophy for anything we do in life I think. Do it now, whether it’s skiing, traveling, taking dance classes, whatever. Time goes so fast  When you become aware of the time, I think it lights a fire under your butt.

Bill: How long ago was it since our kids were playing on the t-ball field?

Karen: I know, right?  But it feels like yesterday.

Lesson 13: Make the best of a situation. Don’t waste years of your life pissed off.

Karen: How did your diagnosis change the way you look at life?

Bill: It just made me have to prioritize things; figure out what I can fit in and what is realistic. It’s hard not knowing how things will play out. If I knew the chemo would be the same as it has been, all the way through to August, then I could plan. But, I just don’t know. Things could get worse between now and then. It’s so hard not knowing. It’s constant adjustment. Things are just so up in the air. What decisions do you make?

Karen: A lot of moving parts.

Bill: Yes, a lot of moving parts.

You just have to make the best of a situation. I don’t want to waste the last years of my life pissed off.

[Tweet “Make the best of a situation. Don’t waste years of your life being pissed off.”]

Karen: That’s what I mean too, about the legacy you’re leaving. You’re showing your kids, family and friends, that instead of lying around being a grumpy dude, you’re going out and living your life. You’re making the most of every moment. And you have a sense of humor about it. You can talk about it. I don’t know. I just think it’s really healthy, the way you’re handling it. And I think it will help your kids and everyone around you. Your story resonates with me and not just because you’re my friend.

You are an inspiration Bill. Thank you so much for taking time to talk.

We have no control over the challenges life puts in our path. There are people out there, like Bill, who are dealing will some pretty crappy struggles. But, we can learn how to truly live our lives, by watching Bill live his.

• Let’s learn to take charge; living on our own terms instead of simply being at the mercy of life’s whims. 
• Let’s share our story with others; allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, letting people in by sharing our journey.
• Let’s remember: things could always be worse.
• Let’s be pissed off if we need to be, but then move on because we realize it doesn’t change anything.
• And let’s understand that life will not wait around for us. We must make the most of and truly live every single second we’ve been given.

Starting now.