What Happens When You Don’t Recognize Yourself

Sometimes in life, we look in the mirror and don't recognize who we see. Tips on how to start making time for ourselves and reminding ourselves who we are..

Sometimes in life, we look in the mirror and don't recognize who we see. Tips on how to start making time for ourselves and reminding ourselves who we are..

What happens when you don’t recognize yourself anymore?

There are times in all of our lives when we feel out of sync. When we wake up and just don’t recognize ourselves in the mirror anymore.

We desperately search ourselves for a resemblance of who we used to be, who we believe ourselves to be in our core, who we aspire to be, and depending on how far we’ve drifted, sometimes we can’t identify what we find.

I am not referring to the huge life events that can change us overnight like going to war or suffering significant loss or trauma. I am talking about the slow burn that happens when we gradually, over time, ignore ourselves.

Losing touch with ourselves can happen for a variety of reasons:

  • Not making time for what sets our soul on fire.
  • Working so much that our job title becomes our identity.
  • Working so much that we forget how to have fun.
  • Not living according to who we are inside.
  • Continually putting our needs last, (hello motherhood).
  • Buying into the lies that society tries to tell us about what we should look like or how much money we should be making.
  • Trying to please everyone except ourselves.
  • Enabling others to the point of losing track of our own emotional needs.
  • Denying or suppressing our feelings and not speaking up when we need to.
  • Allowing our passions to get dusty.
  • Putting a stop to the daydreams.
  • Silencing our inner voice.
  • Untreated depression, anxiety, or mental illness.

These are just a few of the hundreds of ways we can lose touch with our inner self; our essence.

Truthfully, the reason we’ve lost touch with ourselves isn’t especially crucial. This knowledge is only important because it can help us know what we need to change.

What is crucial, is the commitment we need to make to ourselves. A commitment to start on the journey back home.

Several years ago, I had let who I was go into hibernation. After 15+ years of relishing my role as a stay home mom, I woke up one day and realized, I couldn’t really find Karen anymore. I could see Karen the mom, Karen the wife, Karen the friend, Karen the daughter, but I couldn’t find Karen . . . the woman I was before I became all those other things.

My identity as a SAHM had begun to shift. My kids were turning into teenagers, able to get themselves where they needed to go, feed themselves, take care of their own social calendar, etc. My role, as I had known it for so many years, was becoming obsolete.

What had been my purpose for most of my adult life, was disappearing.

If I wasn’t a mom, active in the trenches of mothering, what was I? Click To Tweet

I felt empty and worthless.

I was questioning my purpose.

And this forced me to question my life.

Truth be told, I LOVE being a mom! Mothering fills my heart more than anything on this planet. I never for one second want to take for granted the extreme privilege it has been to raise these precious souls.

But, I started to realize, this is not all that I am.

Being a mom does not define me. And although I believe raising good, thoughtful, caring children has been my purpose, it was not my sole purpose.

I started to freak out a little.

Maybe this is what people refer to as a midlife crisis. It certainly was an identity crisis.

Whatever was happening, it was definitely something that needed to be dealt with.

I was forced to recognize I had neglected myself and gotten lost.

I needed to allow myself the time and understanding to rediscover who I was, as a human being. Not defined by the roles I played or the hats I wore, but, as a soul with hopes, passions, dreams, and desires.

If you are feeling disjointed or out of sync, ask yourself 3 questions:

1.) What am I doing?

Take a good look at how you spend your time. Examine the choices you make. Are you doing things that feed your soul? Are you choosing things that energize you and bring you joy? Are you spending time with people who nourish you?

Are you doing things that feed your soul? Click To Tweet
2.) Why am I doing what I’m doing?

Are you doing things, making decisions, or saying yes to things that are in alignment with who you are? Are you choosing to do certain things to make others happy or because you think you should? Do you do things that drain your energy or make you feel depleted inside? Are you spending time with people who drain you?

Are you saying yes to things that are in alignment with who you are? Click To Tweet
3.) How do I feel?

Are you depressed? Do you always feel stressed out? Are you lethargic or melancholy?

If you don’t like your answers to these questions, then it might be time for a change. It might be time for you to give yourself permission to rediscover or even reinvent yourself. To nurture yourself. To love yourself. To uncover or discover your purpose and to live it.

(If you find yourself feeling bad for a long period of time and nothing seems to make a difference, you may want to enlist the help of a professional. Sometimes, life is too big to handle on our own and there is no shame in asking for help. The important thing is you find a way to be your best self, to live the best life possible. Sometimes this means calling in reinforcements.)

The important thing is you find a way to be your best self, to live the best life possible. Click To Tweet

Believe it or not, the catalyst to my own self-discovery was surfing. It wasn’t intentional, but surfing helped me redefine who I was. I set a silly goal to surf every Wednesday for a year and decided to blog about it. These two simple choices started me on a journey of self exploration. You can read more about that here.

If you are feeling like you’ve lost touch with who you are, let me tell you, NOW is the time to make a change. Life is short and you deserve to live the fullest, most vibrant life possible, STAT.

Life is short. You deserve to live the fullest life possible, NOW. Click To Tweet

Here are some steps you can take to get reaquainted with yourself:

  1. Acknowledge something feels out of whack. EVERYONE goes through personal changes at one time or another. This is called life and it is okay!
  2. Listen to your feelings. Every. Single. One. They are trying to clue you in.
  3. After you listen to your feelings, FEEL them. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to be pissed off, be pissed off. Feel them. Express them. Then move on. Don’t set up camp there.
  4. After you have realized that you have drifted away from who you truly are, make a commitment to get reaquainted.
  5. Get out of your comfort zone. Shake things up. Here’s what I did.
  6. Stop putting everyone else’s needs before your own.
  7. Let people close to you know you are going through a shift and to be patient.
  8. Get quiet and listen to your inner voice. This will put you back in touch with your heart.  Here’s how.
  9. Try everything. Pretend you’re a kid trying to find your passions. (You really kind of are, yo.) Take classes. Sign up for lessons. Try new things. Hip Hop. Flamenco. Pottery. Whatever interests you! Do it all!
  10. Give yourself permission to let go of the things that no longer serve you. In everything you do, ask, “Is this the truth of who I am?”
  11. People may try to keep you in the roles they are accustomed to. If this isn’t in line with who you are, don’t let them.
  12. Recognize this as an exciting time. Once I got over the panic and sadness of feeling out of touch with myself, I enjoyed taking time to really examine what I wanted and needed.
  13. And by all means Say Yes! If someone asks you to try something new, the answer is yes. Here’s why.
In everything you do, ask, “Is this the truth of who I am?” Click To Tweet

Life isn’t a piece of cake. It’s not easy to make time for our own needs when we are in the midst of dealing with everything life throws our way.

But, when you don’t take the time, you are in danger of losing your heart and soul; the significance of who you are. Are you willing to take that risk?

We were made deliberately and perfectly by something much greater than ourselves. We were designed with gifts and with purpose. We were created with the hope that we would fulfill our potential and be all we were destined to be.

When we lose touch with ourselves and stop living authentically, we can never truly be fulfilled. And we deprive the world of all the beauty we have inside us.

http___signatures.mylivesignature.com_54494_98_D2417DC4DFF75430B351F594161BBC2F


30 responses to “What Happens When You Don’t Recognize Yourself”

  1. This is such a fantastic post, Karen! I’m definitely bookmarking this to come back and use some of the “reaquainted” steps. Love it!

  2. LOVE this! My youngest is in kindergarten this year and already I am starting to see a shift in my role and what I need to do. It is so important to take care of ourselves as a person too, and yes it definitely changes.

    • I am so glad you recognize this. When my kids we young, I was under the impression that to be a good mother, I had to be selfless. When in actuality, quite the opposite is true. Thank you for commenting and sharing, my hope is that young mommies can read this and realize it is imperative got them to keep their finger on the pulse of their hopes and dreams, while mothering! 🙂 xx

  3. Karen, so many women get to this point you describe where their momentous role as a mother and primary caregiver has shifted as their kids get older. I’m very scared of having children and having my life and self revolve entirely around them. I know that seems selfish, but I lose my sense of identity and purpose almost routinely already, and that’s just me I’m contending with–never mind with a couple of kids in tow! But props to you for trying out all these awesome activities and rediscovering your inner fab-ness. Your kids will certainly look up to you for doing so!

    • I think it just helps to know going into motherhood that it’s okay to take care of yourself, too. Somehow we get the message to be a good mother we need to be selfless, when in actuality, the opposite is true. Thank you Laura for taking time to read this and for the raw and honest comment! The rewards far outweigh the costs with motherhood! 🙂

  4. I think you nailed it! The life stages and new chapters can leave you reeling. I am sun setting in my life and am dealing with the fact that my peers all around me are retiring and I am not there yet. My children have taken on the world in the way I once did… I look in the mirror and I see an older person which is not how I feel inside and the disconnect can be startling! But now I am more settled and content than I have ever been. I realize what used to be the end of the world is not….LIFE IS GOOD! Thanks for the interesting well-written post!

    • Thank you Lynne! Navigating the transitions in life can be tricky. I think had I held onto a little of myself going into parenting, I would have fared a little better. Aging is a perplexing thing – I totally know what you mean about the disconnect! As long as we keep reinventing ourselves with each new stage, I think we will live vibrant, full lives!

  5. Great post and wonderful tips, Karen! I had a similar experience after my twins were born. When they were around 3, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I was a great mother, but not much more than that. I decided to write a novel.

  6. This last year has been all about these questions for myself. Getting out of my comfort zone is proving to have its rewards and I’m searching for my identity one baby step at a time. Great post and inspirational, Karen! Shared your tweets!

    • Thank you Gigi! That means so much! Sometimes I have to remember though I need to balance my “realness” with offering something of importance to the readers. I get swept away in my story sometimes! Thank you so much for reading and for your sweet comment!

  7. Love this. I was a stay at home mom. I didn’t really have the “who am I?” Where is “Cathy?” Question until last year when I quit my job to care for my dad before he died. That job & it’s title were a bigger part of my identity than I realized. After dad died, I went into a period of self-care &’discovery &’have found new interests & a purpose. It’s very exciting!

    • I think a large role for women is that of caretaker. Thank you for sharing your story. I am thrilled that you went into self care mode and emerged invigorated with life! Once we realize what’s going on and take time to nurture ourselves, it is an exciting time indeed! Thank you for your comment Cathy! 🙂

  8. Such great advice.There have been several times when I’ve stared back at my face in the mirror, wondering what had happened to the person I used to be. But you’re right, letting go of what no longer serves, and embracing something new really helped to relocate the old me.

    • Thank you Alissia! The fact that you are already aware if it puts you ahead of the game! I am glad you discovered blogging and have something just for yourself! Don’t ever feel bad about taking time for just you! 🙂

  9. Hello Karen, Really encouraging post. After posting I have realised maybe this is the first male comment, I would like this to be honoured 🙂

    Trust me I have started with failure and I was fighting back. I thought that’s the best option but then I have realised why didn’t I ignore them and move. I could have saved a lot of time and energy.

    The reason I came to your blog is I take life the way you are taking.

    “Don’t live the same years 75 times and call it a life”

    • I LOVE your comment Vikas and I definitely appreciate the male perspective! I tend to work with mostly women, but feel a lot of things I talk about are universal. I think you are right . . . we can save precious time and energy by just moving past the negative and remaining open to the positive. I love that you and I approach life in the same manner! Thank you SO MUCH for visiting and I am happy to make your connection! 🙂