The day before yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of the deadly shooting at Salon Meritage in Seal Beach where 8 people had their lives senselessly taken from them.    Seal Beach of all places.  The sleepy little surf town that has been my home and safe haven for 16 years.  October 12, 2011 was a heart breaking time in our town’s life and the anniversary date opened this wound as if the tragedy had happened yesterday.

This anniversary also found me revisiting emotions from 9/11.

Although tragedies of a different scope and scale-what they share are the feelings that accompany such calamity.

The overwhelming sensation that your heart is being crushed by an unseen source inside your body.

The feeling that you are smothering in sadness.

That you never, ever think you will find your way out of darkness.

Thinking about these events surprisingly brought back our surf session on 9/11/13 and the reflections I had that day.

It was a Wahine Wednesday.  We had traveled down to San Onofre. We had just arrived and were unloading boards and unraveling wetsuits and engaging in the usual pre-surf chatter.  At 8:45 we heard a noise in the distance.  What was it?  Music? An announcement from Camp Pendleton? Then we realized…It was TAPS coming from the military base!!!  We all stopped in our tracks once we could comprehend what we were hearing.  We ceased our conversation and all fell silent.  Chills traveled the length of our bodies.  We paused…to reflect on what this day meant.  To recall where we were 12 years ago.  To remember all the beautiful lives that were lost.

How about that for putting things into perspective?

After the song ended…we slowly picked up where we left off, told each other how amazing it was to experience that moment, came back to present day, and went about our pre-surf business.

And we paddled out.

We enjoyed our surf session and our San O day just like any other day.

Now here’s where it gets yucky.

I am embarrassed to say I didn’t think about 9/11 again that day.  I am not a tv or news watcher so I did not see the countless reenactments that occurred over the airwaves throughout the day.  I did not continually relive the horror and pain that accompanied that event.

It is unfathomable to me that though 12 years have passed, unless I really dwell on the events, I go through my life relatively unaffected.

How can that be???

The pain and fear I felt 12 years ago seemed inextinguishable.  And it was the same pain and fear I felt two years ago on Oct. 12th in Seal Beach.

Did I learn NOTHING from that horrible day 12 years ago when the earth stood still?  From the tragic day in Seal Beach 2 years ago where life seemed to stop?

This troubled me.  I was so ashamed, though I had told this to no one.  I was having a hard time liking myself in that moment.

So, I decided to examine the lessons I could carry from this point on!   After the embarrassment waned, I started to forgive myself.

I thought about what I know to be true and how I want to live:

Life is short!

Tell people NOW that I love them.

Live BIG!  Take life head on and really LIVE it!  Don’t wait for the perfect time…that will never come.

Be myself.  No pretending to be something I’m not to please others.

Be kind. Listen. Forgive.

Dance and sing…karaoke if need be!

Trust my guts…I have the answers inside I just need to listen.

Live courageously.  Do not be limited by fear!

Laugh. A lot!  And loud!

Figure out what I stand for and don’t be afraid to defend it.  I will take a lesson from my daughter on this one.  She is the master at standing by her convictions regardless of what others think.

Surround myself with people who bring out my best instead of bring me down.

Smile. A lot. And often.

Don’t forget about the little things in life.  These after all are the big things!

Remember I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

If I can be mindful of these things then I am moving in the right direction.

I came to some understanding in reflecting on these two tragedies and my reaction to them.

In order to feel joy, true unadulterated happiness we need to be conversely brought to our knees in heartache. This is how we know we HAVE joy. When we realize we are not in the depths of heartache any longer.   When we realize the smile is starting to return to our faces.  When our laugh becomes a little more real.  Were we never to experience anguish-we would never recognize happiness when our heart starts to heal.

The key is to continue to learn life lessons from tragedy, pain and heartache.  For me, it is in forgiving myself and continuing to be mindful.  To keep from becoming complacent and taking things for granted.  To always remember how precious and fleeting life is.

It is like sand that runs through my fingers as I try to grasp it.  I need to remember to gently tighten my fist, close my fingers around the sand, and hold tight with loving care.

At the end of that surf day at San O I recall the laughter I shared with my sweet friends.  I am blessed and I recognize the good things in my life.

It is ok to have reminders of the pain.  This way we can count our blessings, embrace our happiness, and live our lives with purpose.

Salty Kisses.

K